This poem was written on July 4th 2011. I finally feel like it ok for the world to see this on her 4th death anniversary.
_I have no words.
I have to try.
I’d rather not think about you
or talk about you.
It pulls me to the bottom of the deep dark oceans.
It’s your birthday today.
You would’ve turned twenty three.
I wish I could think about you without this pain
Without this lump in my throat and tears brimming.
I remember you.
You had the most beautiful face.
Your smile was true each time.
You spoke the truth and felt things purely.
You were so innocent.
I remember how when we were thirteen
We would blush
We were both so easy to tease
You were my best friend
We would tell each other secrets
You, me and Bob.
We walked to the Art Village together
I bet that’s where you are now.
We had our dramatic young teen years together.
I remember we came over to each others houses
After you left our school
I even let you read my diary.
When you said you were sick
I never even imagined
Had not even the slightest clue
How serious it was.
I didn’t realise it was possible
To get seriously sick when we are young.
Then you told me
You were getting married.
We hadn’t spoken for a while
But I was one of the first you told.
I called you and we talked for a long time.
I miss your voice
I miss your singing
Then I saw you on your wedding day.
You were so beautiful and so happy!
But your limbs were thinner
And you didn’t smile as easily as you used to.
I remember asking Bob if she knew why
If I had only known, Ash!
We spoke one last time before I left the country.
You told me secrets again and I keep them still.
You were happy.
I wrote to you.
I still do.
I think of you but it makes me sad.
Why didn’t you answer your phone when I visited?
Why didn’t you let me be there for you?
Was it so the last I remember, you were the most beautiful bride?
If I was one of the first you told about your wedding,
Why not about your sickness?
Friends don’t only share joy!
All the tears and anguished sobs won’t bring you back
I wish I could call you on your birthday.
I don’t know where you are.
Maybe you’re floating in the clouds
Or maybe you’re right here watching me cry as I write this.
I’m happy you don’t have cancer anymore.
But I miss you so much!
Not a single person who knew you would ever forget you.
Winnie-girl 😉 Have fun with the stars!
It’s your birthday 🙂 I love you._