From May 2008

How intensely have you questioned your sanity? Today my brain perceived differently- I saw at angles I hadn’t seen before and heard at times I couldn’t explain. I didn’t like it. The violence, the hatred, the filthy perversion suddenly struck me freshly. As was everything else. It was too sharp. I couldn’t breathe. In fresh air I moved like one dead. I was dead. All my motor functions were mechanical. I don’t remember. I tried to gain back life from leaves. But I needed a tree- to really hug a tree. People!

People are everywhere looking at me from all around. I can’t run. I can’t be alone.

I wander lost then as if they didn’t exist. I picked up my bag and left. I heard voices calling me- again and again and again. Louder and more frantic.

I ran.

I ran away.

Ran till I reached some trees.

People here too. Too many people!

Breathing not full.

Flushed, red in the cheeks, hot

Try to breathe, try hard to breathe.

No thought. No music.


Shivering. Trembling. Hug my bag.

Not helping.

Stare. No blink at people-not people

Just moving objects that make sound.

First thought- how to go home?

To go home? Yes.

To go to Home? Yes!

Quiet forest. No people forest.


I look around- road, buses, noise.

All around. All around.


Breathe in,



Don’t cry.

I cry.

But no sad-only tears

I can’t feel.

Except alone- isolated.

Why? I can’t talk. No sound.

Only heavy breaths.

Can I get up and walk?

Try. Yes I can.

Two. My reflection takes over.

I stay scared, vulnerable,

Open to hurt inside.

Now I look around.

Except the weakness in my

Legs, I feel nothing- normal.

Perception still new but not

As harsh.

I’m home, away from

Violence and hate. Away

From perversion. Away from

People. Dirty people.

Just me, sky, terrace.

I will return, operate machine like.

Till scared me comes back ok.

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